Following on the heels of last week’s child-related post, here are a few thoughts I’ve had recently–mainly because of the season of parenting we are in. Please understand that, even with three, we are still learning as parents! These principles have worked for us, but we don’t claim any über-parenting skills or knowledge. :)
We train our children for obedience and responsibility. Just as you wouldn’t expect a dog to follow commands without first being trained to understand them, we believe (and can attest) that children function well when they are trained to obey specific commands from a young age. We have been asked on occasion, “how young do you start to train them?” Long before they understand the meaning of obedience…
Our youngest is 11 months. She was born prematurely, so her developmental stage is similar to an eight or nine month old baby. We have been intentionally training her since she mastered rolling. This is what it looks like:
At each diaper change, I lay her on the floor and place my hand on her chest. I get her attention and cheerfully say, “stay”. Then I proceed to change her drawers. If she begins to roll over, I gently roll her back and say, “stay”. I repeat this any time she tries to roll. After several thwarted attempts, she gets the idea and usually submits to my command–content to lay quietly. Sometimes, however, she decides that “staying” is overrated and will pitch a fit, arching her back and letting loose a cry that would make you think she was being held upside-down by her toes. If that happens, I give her a little flick on her thigh and again–calmly–tell her to stay. I give her a moment to relax again, but if she persists I repeat the process until she complies. When I am finished changing her, I say, “all-done!” My little one is fairly compliant, so it doesn’t take much with her. Your experience may take longer if your baby has a stronger personality, but be 100% consistent and it will pay off later.
Fast forward several months and, if you have been consistent in this training, you will have a baby that understands and obeys the command to cheerfully remain where she has been placed. You can use this in multiple scenarios. One of my favorites is a “boundary blanket”: your crawling baby can be placed on a blanket and trained (with some initial participation and consistency on your part) to stay within its edges, playing happily with the toys you provide. This is a wonderful tool, especially if you have other children.
Fast forward a year or more and, because you trained her from infancy, you now have an obedient preschooler who, when told to “stay”, will do so–anytime, anywhere. When we are in a parking lot and I am unloading our kids, I get out the older two and tell them where to stay. After I get the baby out (watching the other two over my shoulder, of course!), I turn around and there they are, happily chatting with one another right where I told them to be. I make sure to praise them for being so smart and obedient. Other people marvel at this display, I’m telling you! That’s not why I do it, of course. Having well-trained, well-behaved children allows me to be assured of their safety and my sanity!
What parenting ideas do you have to offer? (Especially you wise older moms!!) I’d love to read them.
One of our “tricks” is not so much getting them to obey, but getting them to obey THE FIRST TIME we ask. If you have to ask, then demand, then order, then coerce, then finally bribe your child into doing what you want, it is ineffective and wasting time.
In our house, things are asked nicely, politely, yet firmly- once. After that, a sharp discipline action is taken for their inability to follow directions. Could be a swat on the bootie, a time out or the push -up position (our favorite)… Either way, they realize very quickly that we only ask once, and it means do it immediately.
So, you may ask, “Why be so strict?” Here’s our thinking; It can’t hurt to have them on such a short leash. What if there was something dangerous that you see that they don’t? Their ball rolls out into the street and they are obliviously running to get it. My yell of “Sit down now!” not only stops them in their tracks, but also plants them out of harms way.
A bit extreme? Ok, I have my hands full and I need the door opened for me. If my child (who is buried eighteen levels into his favorite video game) doesn’t respond immediately, dinner is going to end up on the floor. You get the idea. An immediate response and action from my children saves us discipline issues and time wasted, not to mention the safety aspects and helpfulness. Plus- it teaches them that if they ask us for something, they should be able to count on us to help them “first time.” Granted, we have the “veto” power- but only if we explain to them that we are in the middle of something very important, and that we will help them as soon as we possibly can.
Lastly- about the “response.” The younger of our three boys (6, 4 and 2) are in that stage of answering every command we give with “Why?” Sound familiar? In our house, the only appropriate response is (and should be,) “Yes Daddy.” Or, “Yes Mommy.” Then, once the action is completed, they are very welcome to ask, “Why?” But doing it the first time means no discussion. Do it. Now. We aren’t against them asking questions. How else are they going to learn? But a debate is not allowed until they are old enough to actually understand and make up their own minds. If a debate is allowed, it undermines the whole idea of responding and reacting the first time you ask, immediately.
Simple Mama, thanks for the great insight on training up the kids. We must have missed the whole “Stay’ thing while our boys were in diapers. So starting tonight, we are putting them back into diapers so we can introduce the “Stay” command. Dang I wish we had thought of that six years ago….
Hugs.
You crack me up! (But that’s nothing new.) I completely agree. Giving children multiple “chances” or “three-strikes-you’re-out” is the equivalent of yelling, “STOP, OR I’LL SAY ‘STOP’ AGAIN!!” Not only that, but it’s unfair to the kids. They never know what the standard is because Dad and Mom’s level of tolerance for their misbehavior changes on a daily basis. Simply put, they’ve been set up for failure. However, when children are first trained to understand the standard of behavior and then expected to obey the first time, every time, they can succeed. They know that the standard is the same everyday, regardless of Mom’s mood or Dad’s level of exhaustion. Obedience is based on unchanging rules, rather than a false sense of “parental patience”. Like you said, parental authority should not be up for negotiation. Arguing, whining and bargaining are never allowed. This is not a democracy, nor a dictatorship. It is a republic.
For example, recently we went to the library… I told the older two to stand beside the car door while I got the baby out. My daughter did that, but my son began to inch his way around to the back of the car. Rather than telling him again, I immediately said, “Well, son, because you did not obey Mama, we don’t get to play at the library today. Get back into the car, please.” I didn’t need to yell or get frustrated with him, I simply reinforced in his mind that Mama is in charge and immediate, complete obedience is not optional. He cried a bit and his sister was disappointed (which further illustrated to him that his actions affect others), but he got the point.
From my own experience, when I expect (and enforce) immediate obedience, I end up disciplining my kids much less. They know that there is no personal benefit to “pushing the limits”. As a result, the time that would otherwise have been spent disciplining and yelling is put to better use…playing, laughing, smiling and loving on my kids.