Confessions: I never wrote a “gratitude list” for yesterday. I laughed harder (and more frequently) last night than I have in a long time. I stayed up until 12:30am this morning.

Wanna know why? I came across this MadGab-style letter last night and it sparked something in my mind. I just had to rewrite it. Another confession: I laugh at my own dumb humor too much. It’s embarrassing.

So here’s what all my snickering was about:
Dear Juggler,
I don’t really know how to tell you this, but…I need to hire a hitman. I realized this around the time I concluded you really weren’t a giraffe (while you were on a date) and I saw you telepathically insult Spock. I’m sure you’re fantastic enough to understand that I had a dream where I made pancakes that looked like you. I’m returning your toilet paper to you, but I’ll keep your beard as a memory. You should also know that I prank-called your boss and said I was you and I’ve decided to run away to Florida.
If your drink tastes funny, don’t think anything of it,
PlainJane

Here’s how you do it:

Dear (person that you recently talked to),
I don’t really know how to tell you this, but…(1). I realized this (2) ((3)) and I saw you (4) (5). I’m sure you’re (6) enough to understand (7). I’m returning (8) to you, but I’ll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11).
(12),
(Your name)

1) What color is your shirt?
Blue – I poisoned your drink
Red – you sing like a coyote in a trash compactor
White – I’ve decided to become a nun after all
Black – our romance can never be. We’re cousins.
Green – your new scarf looks just like the handkerchief I used yesterday
Grey – you’re a lousy excuse for a circus performer
Yellow – I broke wind
Pink – your unibrow offends me
Brown – I need to hire a hitman
No shirt – I’ve sold your personal information on the black market
Other – you may call me Seven of Nine

2) What month were you born?
January – that night I lost your car to the Mafia in a game of Charades
February – when you kept repeating, “I am not left-handed!”
March – when your great-aunt tried to asked me out on a date
April – when I ate a whole jar of mayonnaise
May – when I finally trimmed my toenails
June – when you sneezed on my salad
July – around the time I concluded you really weren’t a giraffe
August – that night you threw up while we were watching Star Wars
September – while I was launching water balloons at unsuspecting pedestrians
October – when I saw you propose to the lamppost
November – before I started calling you Bill
December – when I threw up in your fish tank

3) Which food do you prefer?
Tacos – and you stole the hotel towels
Chicken- and your great-grandma laughed
Pasta – and you peed on a tree
Hamburgers – when you were watching Ben-Hur
Salad – while you were on a date
Lasagna – with your cat beside you
Kebab – with Mr. Rogers
Seafood – and you started wearing a girdle
Sandwiches – at the circus
Pizza – and you were wearing a strait jacket
Hot dog – in the back of the squad car
Ice Cream – inside your refrigerator

4) What color are your socks?
Yellow – wet yourself in front of
Red – punch
Black – propose to
Blue – flick a booger at
Purple – pour coffee on
White – polka dance with
Grey – feed gummy worms to
Brown – throw your steak knife at
Orange – back over
Pink – try to poison
Barefoot – telepathically insult
Other – bake a pie with

5) What color is your underwear?
Black – the gas station attendant
White – my dad
Grey – the Pope
Brown – my neighbor’s cat
Purple – the Queen
Red – my potted plant
Blue – yourself
Yellow – my mailbox
Orange – your blind date
Pink – the Salvation Army bell ringer
Skin color – Spock
Multi – the Statue of Liberty

6) What would you like to watch on TV right now?
I Love Lucy – flippant
Seinfeld – constipated
Star Trek – dastardly
The Andy Griffith Show – incoherent
The News – delirious
Xena: Warrior Princess – fantastic
MacGyver – high-strung
The Cosby Show – nauseous
M*A*S*H* – perspiring

7) How do you feel right now?
Happy – how often I imagine you choking on broccoli
Sad – that you need to work on your grammar
Bored – that I’m going to send you black construction paper faxes
Angry – that you would look better in a tutu
Depressed – that I plan to call you “Furbit” from now on
Affectionate – how much of your money I just spent
Nervous – that your mom likes me better than you
Worried – that you might be my great-aunt
Confident – that I arranged for you to be deported
Silly – how much I gag when you’re next to me
Excited – that I had a dream where I made pancakes that looked like you
Ashamed – how I’m restraining the urge to pass gas
Other – that you might related to a raccoon

8) What color are the walls in your bedroom?
White – your toilet paper
Yellow – everything you touched
Red – your photos from prison
Black – your extra Depends
Blue – your dentures
Green – your ant farm
Orange – my vile of your blood
Brown – your singing teddy bear
Grey – your English-Klingon dictionary
Purple – your pacifier
Pink – your skunkOther – your deodorant

9) The first letter of your first name?
A/B – your earwax
C/D – your beard
E/F – your money
G/H – your ice cream
I/J – your false teeth
K/L – your cows
M/N – your spleen
O/P – your signed confession
Q/R – your checkbook
S/T – your identity
U/V – your bathtub
W/X – your toupee
Y/Z – your car

10) The last letter in your first name?
A/B – know you are a poacher
C/D – love your front door
E/F – prank-called your boss and said I was you
G/H – told everyone you still wear diapers
I/J – never liked your Spinach Puffs
K/L – think you’re ugly
M/N – want to be your team mascot
O/P – I’m contagious
Q/R – ate a whole watermelon an hour ago
S/T – smell like a porta-potty
U/V – think you smell like Swiss cheese
W/X – will miss our Scrabble tournaments
Y/Z – need to go to the bathroom

11) What do you like to drink?
Beer/Wine – you’re never going to be an astronaut
Chocolate Milk – I’ve decided to run away to Florida
Soda – I’ve put you up for adoption
Regular Milk – your breath smells like my feet
Water – only the brave can wear lime green socks
Sparkling Cider – you remind me of a penguin
Juice – your hotdog really is made from a dog
Snapple/Vitamin water – I’ve will only speak in Pig-Latin from now on
Hot chocolate – your pillow has lice
Smoothies – my appendix just ruptured
Lemonade – you’re more boring than C-SPAN
Other – you’re sitting on my cat

12) Where would you like to take a trip to?
Thailand – You’re a horrible human being
Australia – Love, hugs and deodorant
France – Give my best to your parasites
Spain – Wither and die
China – With everlasting flatulence
Germany – Tell the warden I say, “Hi.”
Japan – Good luck on your parole hearing
Greece – “Never again” really isn’t long enough
USA – I hope you get trampled by an angry ostrich
Egypt – I won’t miss your cooking
England – If only you weren’t so pathetic
Ireland – If your drink tastes funny, don’t think anything of it